So I know, from my own experience, when your baby is sick and needing medical attention you quickly tell the doctors "Do whatever you need to do, just make him better!"
I seem to be swallowing those words right now.
I've been told by my friends and family over the past 48 hours that we did the right thing. But as a Mother, my heart hurts for my son.
He still cries 'cause he's in pain..not from the infection but from the 4-5 needle holes in his body. He's got one in his back from the spinal tap, one in his head from the IVs, one in his thigh from an antibiotic shot, and one in his hand from when they tried to start an IV but blew the vein. His body is bruised. His body is sore from nurses holding him down while he had needles shoved in his spine and head. How awful am I to say "yes" to all of that! To say yes to having needles enter his spine. I can remember so clearly how bad my epidural hurt in my back and how long it hurt afterwards...I can only imagine how bad it hurts on his tiny body.
I broke down last night. I finally let myself cry. I couldn't be strong anymore. I needed to cry FOR him. I heard him cry...and I lost it. I reached the point that I was so tired of him hurting. I went to get him help; to stop him hurting yet he had to endure more pain for that to even happen. I just feel it was way to much for my tiny baby, ANY tiny baby to have gone through. I can't lose the image of the 2 nurses holding him down with all their force, him screaming so loud that he wasn't even making a sound after a few mins, the doctors shaky hands inserting a 4 inch needle into his tiny back. I can't stopping thinking about the needle going into his scalp, his blood dripping down his soft fuzzy brown hair. Worst of all, I can't stop thinking about Remi staring me in the eyes when all this was happening as if he were saying "Make it stop Mommy". I feel awful. I feel guilty. I feel like it was my fault that he had to go through all that pain. And even thought its all over with - he is still hurting.
I want to lose those images in my head of his face, beat red, screaming at that top of his lungs. I want to forget everything that happened that day. I never want to hear my baby cry and scream the way he did that night.
I want this guilt to go away....I know I did the right thing in getting him help....but yet- I feel like it was me who put him through the pain.
Sincerely,
Guilt
I just want to start by saying, Ive been in your shoes.
ReplyDeleteMy first son was born extremely premature at 32 weeks. When we finally got release from hospital when he was 8 weeks old, we had him home less than 24 hours. We went into emerg because his tummy was distended. The docs had warned us in the nicu that he needed to have a bowel movement and if he was in pain (like his tummy was distended and hard) to bring him into emerg and they would give him a supository.
Well we took him in and the EXACT same thing happened. I sat down in the chair with the triage nurse and started to unbuckle him. But because of how small he was and the telling of him having a hard tummy, they grabbed him out of my reach. The nurse yelled at me and my partner to follow her and she ran with my son in his car seat to this huge examination room. Then 2 seconds passed and there was 4 doctors, 6 nurses in there. They were doing 2 IVs, a catheder, holding him down, examining him. They were making him scream. I broke down and still to this day remember the pain if elt as i saw my baby helpless. He was crying for me and I couldnt do anything to help him. I tried to step in and i was screaming at them he needs to poop thats it, leave him alone. But due to hospital procedures, i couldnt stop them.
After an hour we got admitted to hospital. Because my son was ill, he had some bowel and feeding issues so we got readmitted to the picu (pediatric intensive care). There they forced me to sign papers to let them to a lumbar punture because they told me he had meningitus. I first tried to refuse it, but they brought in a lawyer who said that they would get a judge to grant tempory access to my child so they could do it and there would be othing i could do. They said if that happened, i would probably loose my child to childrens aid, because i was telling them they couldnt give medical treatment to a child because of me,s aying i was withholding life saving treatment from him. So I signed. They immediately took him down the hall and did the test. I heard him screaming all the way down the hospital corridoer. They came back gave him to me and all i did was cry and hold him. I felt like the worst mother on the planet.
It turns out, there was NOTHING wrong with him. He had to finish his treatment on antiboitcs and deal with the other premature issues we were already dealing with. That was almost 5 years ago, as my sonw ill be 5 in may. I just want you to know, you did the right thing. As hard as it is, knowing the pain he endured. you ddi the right thing. What if something had been wrong, and you hadnt given him that. The doctors did what they beleived was best for your son. I know its hard, trust me. I still remember it clearly. Everytime ive gone to emerg with my children, i have to see that room and i look into it every time and still remember clearly all that took placfe that night. I will never forget it, but I thank my lucky stars the docs did what they did as they made sure my son was okay and delt with his other problems. And now my son is a healthy 4 year old. Take time to let yourself forgive, dont hold onto it. You did what a great mother would do. YOu cared about your son enough to seek medical attention. You cared and loved him enough to make sure you could do whatever it took to get him better. You are a great mother, and you did what was right. All you can do now is hold you son and love him like you already do. He will be healthy again and before you know it, the memory will be only that.. a memory and with all the fun things that are ahead in Remingtons life, that memory will fade in time. Youw ill think of it less and less. You will see the rainbow:) Chin up hun.
Thank you so much Nicole for posting your story. Seriously, after reading your post (and tearing up of course) I did start feeling better. I realized that I did what was best. Although he had to go through alot, I did the right then by getting him help. It turned out to be a simple virus but all in all-- I'm glad we had doctors that were just as concerned as we were and treated our baby as they would their own. They covered all grounds to insure he was healthy and that nothing bad snuck by them.
ReplyDeleteAgain- thank you for the encouraging words. I really appreciate them.
And....I wish for MANY more HEALTHY years for your son. May WE never have to go though those things again!