At times, it feels like my life or my world around me is wanting me to fail; Like too many challenges are happening but my will power, my strength isn't enough to overcome all of them. I wish to be the best wife for my husband and the best mother to my son but right now, it feels as if I'm failing.
For years, we have been in a financial crunch. We don't make the best money, we have credit card debt and we have stacks and stacks of medical bills totaling over 5 thousand dollars (thanks to endometriosis, interstitial cystitis, infertility, birth and Remis medical issues). We seem to always be behind on at least one bill each month (not including medical bills)
This past month has been the biggest challenge so far. Remi was sick for 2 weeks and in and out of the doctors and hospital at least every 3 days. My job, again, has no work for me. Mikes promotion has been postponed yet even longer. Remi is deciding he no longer wants to nurse, never sleep and/or only sleep if we are holding him. Our bills are getting behind again and I weigh the most I've ever weighed in my life.
I feel like I just want to say "F everything" and let everything go...let everything fail around me because everything is getting way out of hand. How will we ever recover? How can we get out of debt with no money in the bank? How can I work and pay for a sitter at the same time?
I look at my husband and I so desperately want to be the person he fell in love with. I want him to be happy to be married to me. I want him to want to cuddle with me, make love to me and to want to be with me forever. I want the 'love' we had 5 years ago when we met, the puppy dog eyes, the butterflies in the tummy and the giggling. But every chance we get alone- we discuss bills, chores, baby, and life. We don't discuss each other anymore. I miss that. How can I get that back? I want to- but when I feel the time is right- life brings me back down to the ground by shoving bills or other obstacles in my face.
And then theres Remi- I just wish to the be the best mom, to be a mom he looks up to, and someone who he knows loves him. I fought to get him here for over a year. Went through more challenges then I ever had to get him here. But I feel like I'm not being the best mother to him. By the end of the day, Im so exhausted, so tired of hearing him cry that I just want to put him in another room and get away from him. But then by the morning, I feel so guilty for thinking that. And then again I think about all the trouble I went through to get him here, only to be 'tired' of him already? Its not right...
I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Whether it be postpartum depression or just a stressful life, I don't feel like I'm making the best out of it. Being a first time mom is hard. Its confusing, its hard, its emotional, its challenging, its exhausting. It is an amazing opportunity but it truly is a hard thing. I've never felt so many emotions in such little time.
I don't know who I am anymore. I'm defiantly not who I was 2 years ago...so who am I now? I don't know what I want in life, what I 'want to be', where I want to be. I don't know my hobbies - I'm not even sure I have any. I like being alone but yet I wish someone would ask me out to lunch. I just want 'ME' back....
I will be strong...I will get through this. Life is only as hard as you make it right???
I want you to know that you are NOT alone! It seems like everything that can go wrong, is going wrong for us right now. We are behind on some of our bills as well, and trying to pay for daycare at the same time. It's tough. I wasn't ready to go back to work after receiving my 6 weeks of maternity leave, so I took an additional 3 weeks. I would've never guessed it, but it created major financial troubles for us. It seemed like bills were coming out of the woodworks. Crazy! Hugs to you Momma, things are going to get better. Let me know if you need to talk!
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